May 25th-One week later

Well, it's been one week since Abby's heart stopped beating and her life was miraculously saved. I can honestly say that it has been the longest, hardest, saddest, most tiring, frustrating, and discouraging week in my life. I'm so tired, but I still can't sleep, it's too scary when I wake up. I looked in the mirror today and was surprised at the dark circles around my eyes, I kind of don't look like myself. If you come to visit, I mean, "when" you come to visit just tell me I'm still looking hot! Abby cried today for the first time since this whole thing started. The IV team came in to poke her again this morning at 4 am because they needed more blood. She just started to cry, but then was tough and just held her breath until they were done. After they left she said, "well, that's the first time I've cried!" Her toughness never fails to amaze me!

I entered the phone numbers in my phone today for the transplant team and Primary Children's Hospital. For some reason this was weird for me. I put 3 *** before the transplant number because when my pager goes off, that's the number I need to call. I'm afraid that when that pager goes off, I'm going to have a heart attack myself and not know what phone number to call. When the doctors made their rounds today, they spent a lot of time talking numbers, things I didn't really understand very well. Then they stood around talking about her for about 10 minutes. I couldn't really catch what they were saying. But they told me that she was looking pretty good, considering. Not a lot of changes. One of the main pediatric cardiologists stayed to talk to us for a bit. Abby had asked about what her scar would look like after the transplant, and I told her to ask the doctor. I thought she was worried about it being too big, and looking gross; but when she asked the doctor and the doctor described it as going right down her sternum, Abby said, "So it will be bigger and better than my sisters ACL scar right? That's awesome!!" She just wanted to win the scar competition, you just never know what's going through that kids head! The doctor also took me outside and talked to me a little bit about the seriousness of Abby's condition. This was very sobering for me. When you see Abby now, she looks almost totally healthy, but she's not. Her heart is very sick, very, very sick. I've been trying to be so positive about everything, but the doctor reminded me just how critical her situation is. It's good to stay positive, but it's also good to be realistic. It wasn't a pleasant conversation for me and I was pretty depressed the rest of the day. Hopefully tomorrow I feel a little more confident about what's going to happen and I feel more positive again.

I love the nickname one of my nieces has given Abby-"lil defib!" I think that is awesome and it might stick until we remove her defibrillator anyway. We had a lot of friends of family again today, and I loved every second of that. It's so fun to watch Abby talk to her friends from school. It was awesome today when her doctor team was all in her room when Abby's friend Ali W. walked in the room, right in front of the doctors, and just started to talking to Abby. The doctors actaully said, "well, I guess that's are cue that it's time to leave!" It was pretty funny. Thank you to everyone that has been sharing their stories of Primary Children's or their tragedies with me. It's comforting for me to hear that you shared many of the feelings I have, it makes me feel like what I'm feeling is normal. Please continue to send me emails, facebook messages, or texts. When I'm getting really down I just sit down and read these things, you'd be surprised how much it helps me want to keep fighting. There's nothing better than receiving an out-of-the-blue text from someone telling my to be strong and that they love us. That's what we need right now!

Thanks for taking care of Britt and Brock back in St. George. Britt's surgery was a success, they had to repair her medial menescus and clean out a big ball of scar tissue, no wonder she hasn't been able to straighten her leg since her ACL repair! I know she had a hard time going through that without me, but I'm grateful for my dad and my friends that took care of her through this, and I'm proud of Britt for getting it done. I'm excited to see them tomorrow, it will be sweet to see my kids all together again.

I started reading a book today called "Before my Heart Stops" by Paul Cardall. It tells his story of being on the transplant list and receiving a new heart. I recommend it to any of you that want to hear another story like Abby's. I've loved reading it because it makes me feel so smart, he's talking about many of the things that we've been going through, and unless we're both wrong, I do know what I'm talking about. Once again it's reassuring to hear that my thoughts and feeling are normal as I'm gong through this.

I heard that channel 2 news is coming to do a story on Abby tomorrow to help spread the word about what we're going through right now. Brock was excited because he thinks he'll get to be on TV. All I know is that after checking my face out in the mirror today, I won't be on TV, no matter what!!! Well, since I just fell asleep just typing this, I think I'm going to try to sleep. I left some things out about today, but hopefully I'll remember to talk about them tomorrow. Keep praying , pray that we can be strong, I'm starting to feel weak and I know I can't do that, I have to be strong for Abby! Help me be strong!!!