Friday, August 12, 2011

Good news at clinic & St. George was fun.....but not easy!!

Another perfect clinic day for Abby today, only 2 more to go before we are given the definite okay to head to St. George for a few days.  I even got the nerve to ask the transplant team if we could start going to St. George every weekend from now on!!!  At first they all laughed at me, but then I started convincing them, and I think I had all but one of them ready to let us go.  The one I still need to convince wasn't even there, so I'll have to work on her next week!  This really does all depend on how Abby is feeling, I do know that it could change on any day.  We ran into my new friend Shauntelle and her heart transplant daughter Kaidence at clinic today.  They were signed up to go to heart camp today, but because of some problems Kaidence is having, they have to miss.  I felt bad for them, it just doesn't seem fair, it seems like they have had way over their share of problems!!! Hang in there Shauntelle, I loved talking to you today.  Two things that I've learned from all this are:  Trials are not distributed evenly, and I shouldn't expect them to be and don't plan anything when you have a heart kid because things can change at any given time.  But, I still have to believe that Abby and I will be in St. George next week...we will be staying at my parents since we have people staying in our house, but we will still be in St. George.  The other good news from the transplant team was that we can go to movies and shopping and restaurants as long as it's not peak time.  So, to celebrate today, Abby, Britt, and her friend Maddie, and I went to a movie, Glee in Concert (not my choice of movie, but at least I got my movie nap in!!) and shopping at Gateway.  It felt good to get out and do something with Abby, it has been a long time!!!

I spent the last 2 days in St. George, which was probably good because I had a cold the whole time I was there!  Better in St. George than here with Abby!   It felt good to be there and do some normal things. I even got to take Britt and Brock and get their school schedules figured out and take them out to lunch, and I spent a little time at the pool.  I also got to do some much needed things like go to the temple with my friends and spend lots of time with lots of different people.  But then I also had to do some hard things.  I tried to go to a meeting for school the first day I was there, but I found that I'm a little distracted, I couldn't focus very well and just felt like I should be somewhere else the whole time I was there.  I also had to say goodbye to Brock and my friends......again!!! That's really getting old, in fact, I'm getting really sick of it.  But the hardest thing I had to do was go back in the school again, my school, the school where Abby collapsed.  I didn't know that this was going to be so hard, but it was, I almost couldn't go through the doors.  Once I forced myself to go in, I became so curious.  For some reason, I just had to know how it happened.  I wanted to know everything that happened that day.  So my friends that saved Abby's life and were most closely associated with that day, took me down to the gym where it happened and walked me through their perspective of the morning of May 18th.  I wanted to know every detail, what was said, where she was, where the other kids were, when and how did she start breathing again, what they were thinking, what the paramedics did, how much time did they each do CPR, how long was she in the ambulance, what happened when she started to breathe, who was doing what and when.....I had to know everything.  Thank you so much Cammeron, Des, Sandy, Ali, and Cozz for walking me through that day.  I know this was hard for all of us to go through, and I'm so thankful you took the time to go through it with me, because it helped me realize something big.  I needed to know what happened because I WASN'T there when it happened, and I feet like I should have been there.  Deep down I know that even if I would have been there it still would have happened, but I still feel like I should have been there for Abby.  Maybe by knowing what it was like, how everything took place, it makes me feel more like I was there, even though I wasn't.  This something I'm just going to have to work through, but at least now I realize that I'm carrying that guilt.  Irrational guilt, I know, but guilt nonetheless.  So as great as it was to go to St. George, it wasn't easy.  I definitely realized that I have some things to work through before I'm ready to go back to school, my mind isn't quite there yet, good thing I have a couple of months to emotionally heal a little bit first.  Abby on the other hand is more than ready and wishes she could be there on Monday.  She begged for her schedule, even though she has to miss the first term, and she's ready to start getting her work done.  Her teachers will be putting her work together for her to do at home, and I will be helping her when she needs help.  Hopefully, she'll be able to keep up....knowing Abby, I'm really not worried about that. 

I'm so glad we get to have Britt here with us this weekend, Abby loves having her here!  I know they'll spend lots of quality time together before Britt has to go back on Sunday so she can head back to school on Monday.  I miss Brock, a lot, and Abby does too.  The good news is that I know we're getting closer to living in St. George each day.....and Abby is still training for her 5k!!!

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